Tarbell bombs in vice mayor comedy tour

Mayor-elect Mark Mallory announces that Councilman Jim Tarbell will be his vice mayor Tuesday at City Hall. (Photos by Carrie Cochran/The Cincinnati Enquirer)

Whatever reasons Mark Mallory had for picking Jim Tarbell as his vice mayor, comedic chemistry was certainly not one of them.

Tarbell has long been one of the most entertaining people on Cincinnati's social and political scene, but his vice mayoral debut was a resounding flop. In a few short minutes, he told three jokes that went over the heads of the assembled press corps, insulted the mayor of Columbus, and so tortured a "2,000-year-old man" routine that even a 60-year-old couldn't figure it out.

A transcript of his introduction:

MALLORY: Ladies and gentlemen, the vice mayor (laughs) of the city of Cincinnati. Come on over here. (Applause).

TARBELL: You guys got nothing else better to do today? It reminds me of George Burns. He said you know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and you wonder if there’s something else you can do while you're down there. (Mallory chuckles.) That's a joke. (Smattering of laughter.)

MALLORY: They’re a little pensive today. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure what's going on. I think it's that Michael Coleman dropped out of the mayor’s – er, the governor’s race.

TARBELL: Oh, he did?

MALLORY: They’re all upset about that. So …

TARBELL: I'll remind my wife not to drive.

MALLORY: Okay, all right, so … Do you have some words you’d like to offer? I've already introduced you and talked about why I made the selection.

TARBELL: It reminds me of Mel Brooks, was it the 2,000-year-old man, or the 1,000-year-old man? It was either 1,000 or 2,000. And Carl Reiner was intervewing him and said, "Do you remember who discovered sex?" He said, "Oh, yeah, that was Bernie." He said, "Bernie? Could you elaborate on that a little further?" He said, "Yeah, Bernie said, he woke up one morning and he said, 'I think there are girls here.'" And he said, "Why did you think that?" And he said, "Because in the middle of the night, I was thrilled and delighted."

That’s another joke. That's my way of saying I’m thrilled and delighted. It’s another way around it. I guess if there were more than three people here that were over 60 they might understand my humor.

MALLORY: Well, I should say, I've made a new selection for vice mayor. (Long laughter.) Okay.

TARBELL: We'll work on that.

MALLORY: Yes, we'll work on the stand-up act here.

TARBELL: That's why I'm glad to be here, because I know he's got under 60 covered and I've got over 60 covered, so we can’t miss.

MALLORY: That's right. That's right....

Watch raw video of Mallory announcement from WCPO.